So, apparently my garden has become the preferred restroom for my neighbor’s cat. And by “garden,” I mean a modest patch of greenery outside my rental apartment. Because, let’s face it, who can actually buy a house in Switzerland? Not I. Still, I love my apartment—it’s cozy, the neighbors are great, and everyone seems understanding about my baby occasionally screaming like he’s in a horror movie at 2 a.m. It’s a mutual respect thing. Kids cry, people deal.
Enter: the new neighbors. Along with them came cats. Plural. One of them is roughly the size of a small alpaca. Ever since their arrival, my garden has become a feline bathroom.
Naturally, I wasn’t thrilled. I tried natural repellents—garlic, pepper, chili. Spoiler: the cat pooped anyway. Every time I turned around, it was like a new installment of “Who Dung It?”
With the gardener scalping the lawn to oblivion, moss and weeds have staged a coup. I tried to reclaim it by reseeding and adding fertilizer. Miraculously, this seemed to deter the cats. For a few weeks, the garden flourished and remained poop-free. Then the fertilizer wore off, and the cats returned like it was a five-star resort.
Desperate, I invested in some anti-cat poop granules. Sprinkled it generously. Cost me 10 CHF plus delivery fee. The next day, I found fresh deposits. So basically, I paid for fancy seasoning.
Last week, the gardener finally reappeared. Not three hours after he mowed the lawn, I caught one of the furry culprits mid-squat from my window. I banged on the glass. The cat stared back like, “Do you mind? I’m busy.”
Fueled by rage and petty vengeance, I bolted onto the terrace and screamed the feline equivalent of “Get off my lawn!” It fled, dignity shattered. It’s been a week, and no new incidents. Maybe I scared it off. Maybe it’s plotting. Time will tell. But if it comes back, I’ll be waiting. With a water gun that I have to get approved by my wife. Because we have to get the ultra slayer of water guns.
In the meantime, I’ve started putting up small barricades made from flower pots and gnome statues, in a sort of whimsical but passive-aggressive cat deterrent strategy. The gnomes look oddly judgmental, which might help. Or it might just amuse the cat more.
I’m also considering installing a motion-activated sprinkler. Nothing says “you are unwelcome” like an unexpected jet of cold water to the face. Of course, that might also terrify my kid and any delivery person trying to drop off packages. But sacrifices must be made in the name of horticultural justice.
For now, I remain vigilant. Armed with caffeine, a new appreciation for pest deterrent strategies, and a war journal full of garden poop chronicles.
To be continued
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