(a tale of spiral stairs, zip ties, and mild panic)
I’ve got a spiral staircase in my apartment that leads directly to the basement — aka my personal lair, which doubles as a home office, gym, and standard-issue dad storage cave. Oh, and I’ve got direct access to the garage too, so yes, I’m living the suburban dream… in vertical form.
But then, as often happens in sitcoms and real life: a baby appeared.
The problem? Spiral staircases look cool in listings but are absolute nightmares to babyproof. I couldn’t use the usual IKEA stair gate — you know, the one every parent has, hates, and trips over daily — because I don’t have walls near the staircase to squeeze it between. It’s smack in the middle of the living room, like a fashionable death trap.
So, I got “creative.”
I ordered an extendable stair gate from Amazon, which solved one problem: the gaping void between the railing posts. But that was just Level 1.
The next question: how do I attach it safely to metal rails with no stable wall support?
My friends and family weighed in with a wide range of solutions, from “custom welding” to “just teach the baby respect.” Helpful.
Eventually, I went with the wood post + zip tie method.
I bought some wooden posts, cut them to size, and screwed them onto the metal railing as supports for the gate. This worked until you, you know, pulled on it — and the whole thing wobbled like a haunted Jenga tower.
Enter: ZIP TIES.
I zip-tied everything together like I was restraining a small bear. After final assembly, I had my older daughter give it the classic toddler stress test — pulling, hanging, shaking — and it held. Zip ties: 1, Physics: 0.
Then came Phase Two: The Side Rails.
A friend told my wife that his baby sister once fell through a staircase side rail. This story has now been permanently installed in my wife’s brain, like trauma-based firmware.
So we went with a balcony cat net.
I bought a 6x2m net from the pet store. The cashier asked about my cat. I told her it was for my baby. She looked at me like I was building a medieval trap until I explained the plan.
I cut the net to fit, wrapped it around the side railings, and — you guessed it — zip-tied everything into place. It’s not elegant, but it looks secure and seems to be working.
What did I learn?
There is no problem too weird or chaotic that can’t be solved with wood, zip ties, and a little bit of dad-engineered delusion.
Also: babies are small, but their threat radius is infinite.
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