Lately I see more and more the difference between being there and being present.
I love my family and I always try to be there for them. But sometimes I am there and just not present.
Most of the time it’s because other things swirl around in my head. Mostly it’s about work stuff.
The best example for this was last time. I was at home on a Saturday and told my wife about the sleeping schedule with the baby — who’s taking care of him which night — because I have to go to a customer on Monday. My wife looked at me, completely surprised, and said no. You can’t go to your customer on Monday. Did you forget we’re going to Malta on Monday?
With everything going on I’d completely forgotten about the holidays we’d planned. I obviously had it all perfectly organized in my work calendar. But I just skipped the entire week of holidays. And my wife was super mad. After this faux pas, I removed all notifications from any company-related app.
During the holidays it took me a few days and some espresso martinis to forget about work. I also sneaked into Teams to check what crazy things were going on. (A PM called me — even though my status was offline and away and I had a leave notice up. Some people just aren’t able to think and breathe at the same time.) So I disappeared quickly again.
After the holidays, things started normal. But the week after, I had a huge breakdown. One night my wife was on baby duty, and our son had the glorious idea that he wanted to sleep in our bed — right between us. And every dad knows that split of the bed. Your wife gets a quarter, the baby gets two-thirds (because apparently a small body needs that much real estate), and the rest is for the dad.
I was borderline falling out of the bed. And at 3 in the morning I couldn’t sleep anymore. Good thing it was World Cup season, bad thing I also had to go to a customer’s office that day. So I didn’t sleep properly, and on top of that I wasn’t working from home, where I could’ve at least snuck in a nap at lunch. And on top of *that*, I had a customer call I hadn’t prepared for. So it was a super stressful day, and I felt like the world was crushing down on me.
I came home and just tried to be present, which was really difficult being exhausted and sleep deprived.
But then came Saturday. My daughter was visiting, and we went swimming, all four of us. I have to say, it was the first day in a long time I really had fun. We went to a pool — a cool one, I’d never been there before, my wife got the tip from a friend of hers.
We made a picnic, which I hated as a kid, because all the other kids got fries and burgers from their parents, and now I love it like crazy. Nothing beats a sandwich, some fruit, and a blanket.
Anyway, I didn’t check my fucking phone the whole day. I only looked for it when we were leaving to go home. And I have to say, it was a great day — and like I said, I hadn’t been that happy in a long time. Which brings me to the point: put away the fucking phone. The work problems will still be there tomorrow. And yeah, sometimes you get unwanted “importance” thrown at you at work. But even then, you can only do so much. And sometimes it’s better not to read all the crazy shit going on in this crazy world, and just be more present instead.
I’m still overworked and sleep deprived. Don’t get me wrong. But I give way less fucks about certain things now. And I’ll go swimming again, and not look at my fucking phone. And worst case, I’ll take a day off during the week and go anyway.
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